Chapter 94 – Reminiscing
“Last night I lost the world, and gained the universe.“–C Joy Bell C.
Krya
“Disbanding..
There wasn’t much to say, or there was, but I couldn’t muster up the courage to speak. Neither of us uttered a word to each other. The sounds of the surrounding nature drowned out our silence. My eyes followed Neron’s movements as he twirled his ring between his fingers. His eyes narrowed on the object, disgust reflecting on his orbs, grimacing.
“I found out the truth about my family, Kiya.” Neron spoke with momentous contempt woven in every syllable. “When you went missing. I searched high and low for answers. Osiris allusion to my family’s history made little sense at first. Why did he condemn my bloodline every chance he got? There were so many secrets that I was unprepared to uncover. I never knew that the paternal side of my family was so… violent.”
The Alpha ring slid into his palm and he hid it inside his fist, tightening it as if he wanted to crush it. “All the men before me only cared about power and they hurt people to get it.”
“How did you find out?”
“I found journals of my grandfather and great–grandfather hidden in the library,” Neron explained. “I confronted Dad about it, and he defended their behavior, claiming they were martyrs. The pain of others was worth the elevation of the Prince name.” Neron slumped his head into his free hand, rubbing his temple. “He painted their tyranny as their ambition! I… I couldn’t stomach the thought of running Zircon Moon after that. My family history was diluted and painted into something else entirely.”
I didn’t miss the break in his tone, and it broke my heart. I couldn’t fathom being fed fabrications about your own lineage for years and discovering the truth in the worst timing possible. What did he go through while I was gone? Neron sighed, wiping his tears before they had the chance to fall, sucking in deep breaths to calm his quaking hands.
“I was lied to my entire life. All this shit just to be a “good Alpha‘ wasn’t worth it in the end. It felt like everyone I held close to my heart betrayed me; Dad, Odessa, who knows who else?”
“You have Valerian and Kwame.” I quipped, scooting my body closer to him. “They o
didn’t lie to you.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t listen.” Neron gazed upon my face, his reddening eyes searching in mine. “If I have children, I wouldn’t want to pass this legacy to them. I don’t want them to discover it as late as I did and be reminded that their history was full of plunder and deceit. What does it make me to continue my rule as Alpha after finding this out? I couldn’t turn a blind–eye to this.”
“What did you do with the journals?”
“Burned them.” Neron said. “I never want to look at that shit again.” Neron turned his head to face the pack house, a shadow falling over his face. “I’m not proud of Zircon Moon, even more so when I think about what we put you through. I’m disbanding this pack because I want to create a new legacy that I know I can be proud of, building it from the ground up.”
“Neron, packs take years to establish, not to mention the time and resources allocating to it.” I explained, folding my hands in my lap. “Don’t you think it’s so sudden to be making a radical decision like this?”
Neron chuckled, his lips curling into a smile, turning his head to me. “Kiya, this plan has been on my mind for weeks. As harsh as it sounds, Zircon Moon is a name that needs to die. 200 years of living is long enough.”
“Right.. I whispered, soaking in the impact of his words. “How do Anthony and my dad come into play?”
“They’ve been helping me seek potential land sellers and buyers. Luckily, Dad had a decent amount of money. stashed away in his savings and from investments in stocks in Carson City and Las Vegas. He won’t be using that anytime soon, so I’m putting it to good use.”
“Oh. Well, that’s good.” I offered a small smile. “Have you thought about where you want your new pack to
be?”
“Away from here.” Neron snorted. “I’ve outgrown Nevada. I want to stay on the west coast, so maybe Oregon or Washington, despite the shitshow with Osiris. The East Coast as awful winters, the South has hurricanes and tornadoes and the Mid–West is just… corn and farm life.”
I shot Neron an incredulous look, placing my fists on my lips. “The West Coast as wildfires!”
“They haven’t touched us yet!”
my life
“Don’t jinx it.” I chuckled, shaking my head. Turning my head to the distant pack house, snippets of flashed before my eyes. This place was where my life began and ended. Through the laughter, smiles, tears, and blood, this land held significant memories that I would never forget. Neron was right, it is time for Zircon Moon to
Ko.
. And I’m glad that with time, this place would cease to exist.
Neron was moving on, and so was L.
But that led to another sensitive topic that we needed to touch on. Or, at least, I needed to.
“What are you thinking about?” Neron asked.
“The past,” I answered, turning my head to the pond. Tiny fish leaped out of the water while birds took their baths around the exterior, Most of the people who hurt me are dead. This summer was a journey that tested my boundaries and my strength. Life threw one obstacle after another at me, whether as a snake or a painful memory. I’ve fallen, gotten back up, and fallen again; a never–ending cycle ceasing when I landed in a coma. With all that time to rest and relax with Artemis, I’ve thought about a lot of things, including how I wanted to move forward. “I don’t know whether this is the best or worst summer of my life.”
“Who says it can’t be both?” Neron tossed his ring in the air and caught it with one hand. “It sure as hell was
mine.”
“Yeah, but we needed the chaos to get to where we are right now. Artemis and I talked a lot in my coma, and I
spoke with Selene as well. There is something I feel we need to talk about now that we don’t have any
distractions.”
d that be?”
“What would that be?”
“Forgiveness.”
Chapter 94 – Perunisong
Neron had stopped the tossing, his body stiffening like he was bracing for an attack. A new sadness reflected
In his eyes as he averted them elsewhere from my gaze, sucking in a heavy breath full of trepidation. He was nervous, and I was too. Forgiveness wasn’t an option for me, at least, not the type many thought it was. Things have changed, and I have changed. Artemis‘ growl rumbled low in my mind, reminding me she there if I needed her.
I unfolded my legs and crossed them again. “Neron, can you answer me honestly?”
“Yes.”
“Did you really need my forgiveness to change?”
He settled his ring on the grass next to his hip, propping his knees on his thighs in his silence. I wish I had the power to poke and prod inside Neron’s mind to discover the inner mechanisms of his thought process. A twinge of pain pierced the side of my heart at the plethora of answers he could give, but I swallowed it down and waited for him to respond.
“It was the motivating factor at first.” Neron began. “But, over time, it became less about wanting your forgiveness and more on realizing that I was a shitty person. I had acted in ways that I’m sure Mom would’ve slapped me for. I understood how love got lost in translation and how I was performing for other people. I had abandoned the things I loved so I could get the love from people who I thought cared about me, and that was the hardest lesson I had to learn.”
“Your dad taught you that one way was the correct way, Neron. You had no room for flexibility. That shouldn’t be something you can blame yourself for.”
“No, but I’m still responsible for my actions in the end. I hurt you, Kiya.” Neron turned his body to face me. “If I could take my actions back, I would, but I can’t. Did I need your forgiveness to change? No. But, the thought of it helped me to wake up. After a while, I forgot about it. I wanted your safety and happiness more than your forgiveness.”
“Do you still want it?”
“I don’t want it or need it. But…” His face contorted in worry, his gaze now on the canopy above us, with the sunlight highlighting his facial features. “I want to be better than I was yesterday. I know I’m changing, but there is this fear in the back of my mind that I’ll turn out like my father, and it terrifies me. I don’t want to be anything like him.”
A shot of anger rose from my belly to my throat. I snapped my head in his direction, baring my teeth. “You aren’t like him. Not from what I can see right now. Your father wouldn’t have held down a fucking naga to save me. He would never think about putting others before himself. Above all, he wouldn’t have fought as hard as you did to stop hell from raising over. You died for me, Neron, for fucks sake! You’re a better man that he’ll
ever be
Neron looked away again, gritting his teeth and shaking his head. Didn’t he believe me? I cannot ever see Neron and Jonathan as the same man, even if they shared blood. Neron helped pull me away from the darkness while Jonathan catapulted me into it. I wish he could see just how much his actions had an impact.
“He’s still in me.”
“He’s dead. He can’t hurt you anymore.”
Chapter 94 – Remmeng
“It doesn’t matter.” His voice cracked again. “He’s always in my head, telling me I’m a failure. Dad still lives, whether I like it or not.”
Jonathan was a phenomenal douchebag and I hope he suffers in hell for all he’d did to the both of us. I swallowed the urge to yell at Neron at how wrong he was, and instead diverted the conversation to something else.
“Have you heard of the inner child?” Neron raised an eyebrow and shook his head. “Your inner child reflects what you once were as a kid that is shaped by our experiences, the good and the bad. They live inside you, in your heart. Halima is my inner child that needed someone to care about her, and I had abandoned her. As crazy as it sounds, the chaos with Osiris helped me to realize I couldn’t abandon her again. I know your dad fucked with your head and messed your life up, but I think you can do some mending with your inner child.” I pointed to his heart. “He is in there, waiting for you.”
I allowed that to marinate as Diana swooped down between us, nestling her tiny body between our hips. Neron smiled small, petting her head as she cooed. “I’ll think about it.”
“Good.” I nodded. “So, back to the topic at hand.” A small dandelion waved gently in the wind, spreading its seed to the farthest reaches of the pond and the woods. “Ever since I came back here, people have distorted my view on forgiveness because no one wanted to take responsibility for my abuse. They weaponized it against me. Ashley, Steven, your father, and everyone in between wanted my forgiveness for themselves. They wanted me to act like the abuse never happened, as if it hadn’t impacted every aspect of my life. It felt like it was their opportunity to force me to forgive THEIR transgressions so that they can go back to their status quo.”
“I wouldn’t forgive them either.
“Oh, I never will. I’ll never give them that satisfaction.” I smirked, rubbing the back of my neck. “It’s not my job to get rid of their guilt. I don’t regret carving them up like turkeys because it was the least of their problems. Ashley and Steven won’t be part of my life.”
“Forgiveness is your choice to give, not something that is pushed onto you.” Neron concluded, smiling when Diana hopped on his lap. “What about Raina?”
“I need more time with her.” I admit, drawing lazy circles in the grass with my finger. “She’s still my sister and I don’t hate her like before, but I’m not ready to let her into my life, yet. Our bond still needs a lot of repairs.”
“That makes sense. What about yourself?”
“Myself…” I paused. “Anger consumed me for a long time, and I allowed it to dictate my path in life. I allowed myself to become destructive to both the world and myself. Once I accepted Lady Sanguine as a part of me, forgiving myself became a process. I forgive myself for falling into darkness in the first place and for abandoning Halima. It Is about time that I stop letting the past control me.”
“Do you know how much of an inspiration you are, Kiya?” Neron chuckled, causing me to raise an eyebrow. “You’ve survived the shit this world and life thrown at you and you didn’t let them win. You have the strength that many Alphas can’t imagine.”
“I’m not an inspiration. I’m just me.”
“And you’re ridiculously humble.”
Chapter 1
“And you don’t like me talking about you because you’ve turned the spotlight back to me before I got the chance to mention you.” Neron’s eyes widened, his lips pursed in a soft pout. Gotcha! “Try not to do that again.”
“You’re too smart for your own good.”
I laughed, reaching over to pet Diana’s back. “You’re right, however. You didn’t need my forgiveness to change to a better person because you chose to change. I brought you back to life because I care about you, Neron. If your father was around and still influencing you, you’d bet your ass that I would’ve cut you out of my life for good. Lady Sanguine would’ve cut you out of your existence for good too.”
“I mean… she almost did.” Neron’s humorless chuckles disguised the self–depreciating tone in his voice. He still felt guilty, and I’m not sure if I could do anything else to ease that a bit.
“I don’t want you to forget what you did, Neron. I don’t want anyone to forget what they did. However, I don’t want the guilt to control you anymore because it sounds like it is.”
“You don’t have to worry about that, you know?” He shot me a wink, gingerly placing Diana back on the grass to adjust his legs. “It won’t go away, no matter what I do. I have no choice, but to accept it.”
“You shouldn’t have to. Could you try therapy? It helped me, so maybe it can help you.”
“Hmm…” Neron tapped his cheek in thought, his hair strands dancing across his face. “I’ll think about that
too.
“And about forgiving you-”
“Please don’t, Kiya.”
“But-”
Diana’s sudden screeching brought our back–and–forth to a complete halt. We watched as the owl flew high above us and rocket toward the direction of the pack house. Neron and I hopped on our feet and dusted the dust and dirt off our clothes.
“We should follow her to see if she is okay.”
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