Chapter 10 – Reminders
“It’s always times like these when I think of you and I wonder if you ever think of me.”-Vanessa Carlton
Neron
Kiva was here. She is inside my home. Her beautiful soul graced my sanctuary with her equally beautiful smiles and
melodious laughter.
I should praise our Moon Goddess for the chance to reconnect with her, finally.
But I’m freaking out.
I wanted her here more than anything. I’ve dreamt about this day for the past three years. Yet, I’m terrified of, somehow, f**g this up. She has forgiven me, but my guilt continued to eat me alive and spit me out. I still couldn’t forgive myself for what I’ve done. It wouldn’t let me breathe or think in peace-it is an ink stain permanently marred in my mind. It continued to hold me hostage, and I was a willing prisoner.
Adonis squealed with glee at the sight of his aunt, running up to her for a hug. Kiya giggled and drew the future Beta in her arms, picking him up to swing him around. He rested his head on her shoulder, twirling his fingers around her curls. I watched the affectionate scene from behind the dining hall doors, admiring Kiya from afar. Orchid and Naomi gathered around her, pulling at her hands as soon as she set Adonis on his feet. They wanted her attention.
Kiva s
a still had that magic touch with children. Some things never change.
Groaning inwardly, I pressed my forehead against the door. My hand tightened around the doorknob, metal crying softly under my grip. Goddess, I wanted Kiya more than air. Yet, my hands are undeserving of her heavenly touches. Onyx beat against my mind-block, desperate to be in Kiya’s presence again, but 1 reinforced the wall. I don’t want to hurt her. I won’t. But what if I do? I’m a f**d-up Alpha with panic attacks as a companion.
The last thing I wanted to do was to give into my beastly instincts and scare her away for good.
When I hugged her, my side of the bond roared to life like a phoenix reborn from the ashes. It became a powerful magnet, searching for its opposite. Our bond wasn’t this powerful before, and I wondered if Kiya felt the same. Part of me hoped she did, while the other cowered away in fear, hoping she didn’t. Because the self-control I’ve steeled for years would crumble and I couldn’t afford that to happen.
“Surprise! Are you happy that Kiya is here?””
This little s**t.
I turned my head to see Nuria standing with a beaming smile, nursing a mug of rich crimson liquid with a spoon. It smelled great. “I can’t believe you went behind my back, Nuria. I told you I’d handle this.”
“And we both know you wouldn’t have invited her, anyway.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Someone had to do something, and it might as well be/me.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose/Leave it to my sister to meddle in my personal affairs. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to be mad at her. “Nuria…”
Chapter 10 – Reminders
“And she’s also staying for two weeks.”
I choked on my spit. Two weeks?! I’d be smelling her scent, see her around every corner, and hear her laughter for two
weeks? “I-1-”
“You’re welcome.” Nuria put a fist on her hip. “Whether you want to admit it or not, you need this. Both of you. Use this opportunity to sit down and talk to each other, okay? I refuse to watch you both p**t around each other while avoiding the elephant in the room.”
My heart hammered in my chest. I want to sit down and talk with her, but I couldn’t ignore the dastardly voice in the back of my head telling me I’m a horrible person. Undeserving of Kiya’s attention. Texting was so much easier. As I watched her poke at a blue balloon tied to a chair, her plump glossy lips curved into a heart-stopping smile. Her beautiful browns t**d with innocent wonder.
I wanted to bottle up that bejeweled smile and keep it at my side until the day I pass.
Kiya was out of my league. I don’t believe I could love another as much as I love her.
Dr. Nilsen and I worked tirelessly on my impermeable guilt. Day in and day out since we’ve started working together. It has become a part of me, molded into my person like a perfect puzzle piece. I couldn’t take it out, no matter how hard I tried. Simply put, I couldn’t find a reason to let it go.
Nuria waited for my response, but I couldn’t give her one. I ran a hand through my hair, huffing out an anxious breath. I’ve done good. I am good, am I? Is that enough for that beautiful goddess gracing my home with her holy presence? For the woman who kids flock to for her love and safety?
“This is more complicated than you think it is, Nuria.” I sighed, tearing my eyes from the dining hall for the last time. My heart crumbled to pieces, crying out for its other half a mere ten feet from me. It graved her touch, her closeness- just her. I love that woman more than anything. I’d give up my lungs if it meant she could breathe better. I’d forfeit my life again and again if it meant she’d live.
Kiya is everything to me, right down to her heart and soul.
“I don’t think its as complicated as you’re making it out to be.”
“You just don’t understand.”
“I understand I want my brother to be f**g happy for once.” She snapped. “Kiya makes you happy. Anyone can see that. I’m not saying to mate; just sit down and have a conversation?”
Kiya and I will talk. I just need to reel myself in and prepare for it. Her strawberry scent irritated the silent beast hidden deep inside the internal pit. That was another issue. For years, I had a firm grip on my primal instincts; pushing them aside to keep Kiya safe. I was a danger, and those instincts made me a threat, just like how I almost pounced on her when she went into heat. Controlling them got easier with time, aided with the broken mate bond that
years it didn’t exacerbate it. Now, the mate bond was strong and alive, and the beast wanted more-to make up for the was neglected.
I needed to iron out my resolve. The only way for me to keep Kiya safe is for me to control myself. The toughest part about being Alpha is the intrinsic nature to take and claim. And I f**g hated every moment.
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Chapter 10 Reminders
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I’m not a monster, but I feel like I am. That is why I must love from afar and never touch beyond what was appropriate. Never lose control. Never hurt her or else I’ll take the silver blade and end myself.
The love I had for Kiya scared me. It’s incredibly strong. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
“We’ll talk in due time, I told Nuria, pulling the dining hall door close. I pointed to her mug. “What kind of tea is that? I’d like to try some if-”
“NO! It’s mine!” Nuria’s eyes flashed obsidian black as she clutched the mug to her chest. Some of the steaming liquid got on her blouse, but she didn’t flinch. “Mine!” Breathing heavily through her nose, she bolted away, leaving me bewildered.
That must be some pretty d m n good tea.
Kiya
“The cake is so beautiful,” I said, staring at the encased treat hidden in the fridge. Raina laughed beside me, closing the fridge. “I bet the kids are eager to get to it.”
“Oh, they are, which is why the Omegas guard it with their lives.” She chuckled, leading me out from the kitchen and into the foyer. “Is there anything else you wanted to see?”
“I’ll be staying for a few weeks, so if there was anything I’ve missed, I’ll find it. Thank you, Rain.” Raina showed me the key places in the pack house as part of a mini-tour while my parents tested out the champagne in the G a m m a home. Any excuse for day drinking, I guess. The two of us walked toward the common room in relaxed silence.”
“How are Adonis and Orchid doing since… well… I sighed as my sister looked at me expectantly. “It’s been a year
since… and…”
“They’ve been doing fine. Orchid was too young to remember. Adonis had a tough time, but…” She gave me an anguished smile. “It’s tough losing grandparents, but he has a strong family, here. My baby boy misses them from time to time, but time has been healing him.”
Ashley and Steven passed away last year. Raina broke the news over a phone call. I don’t know how they died, nor did I want to know. Relief flooded me like a hurricane after the call, yet a deep part of me hurt. I didn’t attend their funeral. They never reached out to me or my parents since I left Zircon Moon for the last time. There was never a chance for reconciliation between us, and maybe it was for the best.
Their deaths grew into a sore spot for me. It hadn’t changed.
“I’m glad they’re alright.” I shined a hopeful smile. “And you and Valerian?” I realized I never asked how they coped with their deaths. Valerian and I weren’t on good terms for a while. Despite Raina and I keeping in touch, he wouldn’t talk to me for the first year and a half. But, after some convincing, we talked and got on good terms with one another. I wanted my brother-in-law in my life, too,
“We’re good. In fact, we got stronger. Having each other helped us through the grief. We even went to Dr. Nilsen to talk about it too.”
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Chapter 10 – Reminders
There was still some pain behind Raina’s eyes. It’s not easy losing parents either, even with how y they were. They still were a significant part of her life. I didn’t want to breach this sore subject any more than I did, so I immediately changed the subject after noticing a missing piece I haven’t seen in some time.
“Where is Neron?”
“Probably holed up in his office.” Raina chuckled. “Guests for the party should come soon, so we best get ready.”
“Right.” I nodded. “Can you tell me where his office is?”
After Raina gave me directions, I ascended to the fourth floor, s k i p g steps in between. I found the pair of alder wooden doors she told me to look out for and knocked. Nuria’s convoluted scheme to bring me here worked, and I wanted to know how Neron felt about it. We shared a moment in the front yard, but he skidded off soon after like someone doused his pants on fire.
We really needed to talk.
“Come in.” I heard him say. When I walked into his office, his masculine scent immediately overpowered me, drenching every molecule and atom in the air. Steeling myself with my resolve, I felt the bond on my end desperately reaching out to him, aching for its other half. I knew the bond needed time to heal and repair, but I didn’t expect the level of power it held.
Neron eyed me under his observant gaze, holding his breath and grinding his teeth behind his lips. He set his papers down on his desk and forced a smile. “Hi, Kiya. Is there anything you need?”
“Not really. I just wanted to see you.” I admitted, looking around his office. Pictures of hand-painted landscapes decorated the walls along with pictures of him and his family. I spotted a few drawings made by children’s hands, making me smile. A large window stood behind him, the sunlight haloing the outline of his body, highlighting the deep blue undertones of his hair. “You made all of those paintings, didn’t you?”
“I preferred to make my own portraits versus spending money on someone else’s.” He answered nonchalantly, leaning against his chair.
“You haven’t lost your touch.” I smiled.
“You can look around more if you like.” He smiled back, relaxed.
And that I did, mindful of his eyes scrutinizing my every move. I moved from one end of the office to another, admiring the mountains and waterfalls crafted by his hand. When I moved to a particular desk in a corner, a forest green sketchbook rested beside coloring pencils. I heard Neron’s breath hitch when I picked it up, along with a chair skidding across the ground.
“No!” He shouted, s n t c h i n g the sketchbook from my hands. His cheeks heated to vivid pink, hiding the book behind his back like a child caught stealing from the cookie jar. I quirked an eyebrow, confused and curious. “This… i-isn’t ready for anyone’s eyes yet. I-I didn’t mean to scare you.”
That was suspicious. “Okay…” I’ve done enough exploring. I didn’t want to pry any more than I already had. I took a seat in a chair while Neron sat back in his, inhaling a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
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Chapter 10 – Reminders
“Do you want me here?” His eyes widened as I continued. “Nuria told me not to tell you I was coming, assuming it was a surprise. Did you intend on inviting me to the party in the first place?”
Neron sighed heavily, fixing his body on his chair. I tried my best to swallow my fear, but it kept bubbling up in my throat. “I didn’t know if you wanted to come. I assumed it would’ve been the same as last year and the year before.”
“Fair. I didn t talk about it much.” I fiddled with my fingers. “Do you still want me here? I’m staying for a couple of
weeks.”
Neron’s eyes glinted. He shined a small, yet warm, smile. “Nuria, told me. I want you here. I just… didn’t want to make you uncomfortable in any way being around me.”
“You aren’t making me uncomfortable, Neron. I had a really warm welcome.” I grinned. “I think you’re doing just fine, but… I do want us to really talk when the party craziness settles down.”
“About what?”
“Just about life and anything else that pops up,” I replied, shrugging my shoulders. “Artemis is also itching to go on a Tun with Onyx or whatever else she wants to do.”
“Onyx is the same.” Neron chuckled. “Those two deserve some time together.”
“That they do. When do you think would be a good time for us to talk?”
The Alpha fell silent, tapping his chin in thought. “Let’s try after the party, if feasible. There are… some other things I want to tell you about as well.”
There was hanging tension in his last words, sparking fear in my heart. Sucking in a sharp breath, I nodded. “I look forward to it.” I stood up from my chair and walked toward the door. Before I could touch the k n o b, Neron called out
to me.
“Kiya?”
“Yes?”
I’m really happy that you’re here. Truly.”
“Thank you. I’m happy that I’m here too. It’s good to see you after so long.”
“Likewise. Let me know if there is anything you need.”
+ it for a
“You’ll be the first I call.” I chuckled, opening the door. Stepping out, I shut the door and leaned against it minute, listening to the sounds of my shaky breath.
That felt… formal. Too formal for friends, right?
Why did Neron seem so stiff?
Goddess, I needed a drink. I shouldn’t care so much, yet I do.
Chapter 10 – Reminders
We’re just friends. Even if our mate bond didn’t want us to be.