Chapter 350
Colin told me that time would bury everything.
The temperature in Jinovy reached a record high in mid–April.
Over the past few months, the 23–year–old me became more mature and composed. Whether I felt happy, sad, or angry, it all stayed hidden under my always–smiling mask.
Helen told me that I had become more aloof. She said that one day, I would become a nun who forsook mortal desires.
I laughed, saying she was exaggerating. But with a serious expression, she told me that if love hurt, it was time to let go.
I knew that, of course.
But I couldn’t and wouldn’t let go. There was nothing wrong with my relationship with Colin. The problem was Felix.
I caressed my wet eye corners and asked, “Are you able to let go of Matthew, then?”
Helen fell silent. Then, she began sobbing until she fell asleep.
I didn’t tell her that I would never give Colin up. Love never hurt me. What I was feeling was my guilt toward Felix.
I had been dreaming about the Felix from before he turned 18, that handsome young man who stood under the garden while gazing at me with his cold eyes.
His slender fingers snatched my school bag away and put it on his shoulder. He walked in front of me reluctantly and would turn around from time to time to ask. me to hurry up. If I dallied, we would be late.
During a PE exam where we had to run for 800 meters, I fell and cut my knees. He chastised me for being a dead weight while he ran to the infirmary to get
bandages and disinfectant to treat my wound.
1/3
We had made some unforgettable memories together. But many things had happened since then. The fondness we felt was slowly replaced by resentment.
Felix and I were not meant to be together. I used to resent him for his
heartlessness and cruelty. Nevertheless, I wanted him to live happily. I wanted him to be who he used to be.
I did not love him. But I did not want to owe him anything either.
I didn’t have class on Friday afternoon, so I sat alone in my favorite corridor.
Too many things had happened in the past six months, so much so that I had not visited my favorite place for a long time.
The view was still the same, but I wasn’t as carefree as I once was.
I had once argued with Felix here. I had promised my love for Colin here.
Here I was at the same spot. Yet the people I knew were long gone.
“Colin, we haven’t seen each other for six days. How have you been?” I hugged my knees on the bench and asked the breeze.
I didn’t have the courage to bother Colin. He was working very hard for our future. If I called at an unfortunate time and it triggered Felix, the outcome could be disastrous. Colin’s effort would be in vain, and our future would look even
more hopeless.
But I missed him dearly. He spent more than 20 years becoming an integral part of my life. I couldn’t live without him.
I knew what I wanted now.
I loved Colin. I loved him deeply.
Colin was enduring pain and suffering in a place beyond my sight. And I was waiting alone for him to bring me good news.
He was doing everything he could for me. I appreciated that. And I also missed. him terribly.
Helen rarely came back to the apartment lately. I was all alone in the apartment
as if the world had abandoned me.
When I phoned Mom last night, I couldn’t hold it back anymore and cried.