Chapter 93 – Asher
I flung back my office door, my head still a mess from my alteration to my dreams… I was used to vivid dreams. Of course I was. My nights had been plagued with visions of losing Isla ever since she had gone. Causing me to relive the moment time. and time again. Feeling the pain as the bond snapped. Feeling her slip away from me, and the pain as my heart felt like it. shattered into a million pieces, as Zion crumbled inside of me. Never to be the same again…
But, now, this was something else. This was a dream to betray my fated mate. Betray the woman I had been blessed by the moon goddess. I had awoken wanting Bailey. I had woken thinking I was about to take things further with her, and the thing that terrifies me most, is that thought in that moment, that was exactly what I had wanted. I had been incredibly turned on. I had wanted her. Wanted her touch. Needed her touch. I was
disappointed and terrified all in one go…
I had dropped back onto the bed, with tears leaking from my eyes at the thought of what it all meant. What it meant for Isla. Did that mean I had to let my beautiful girl go? No. I could never do that. She had been made for me. She had died because of me. Had she not been mine, she would never have been in this pack. She would never have been in harm’s way… she would never have lost her life…
The pain ripped through me at the thought. She had been meant for me. She had died because she was mine, and I should honor that. Me wanting another woman felt so wrong. I felt like I was betraying all we ever had. Being disloyal to our matebond,
despite the fact she was no longer here to respect it would be the wrong thing to do, in spite of what my body thought it wanted…
She had been gone seven long, lonely years now. Seven long years without my mate. Seven long years of pain. But, they would never be enough for the sacrifice she made in being my mate. For, in choosing to be my mate, she had chosen a life here. Which cost her her life.
Just as I stepped out of the main door of the packhouse, I saw Eden pushing her stroller with the new baby. Her face lit up at the sight of me. “Hey Ash!” she greeted me, and already I could see she was so much more at ease now the baby had arrived.
I attempted a smile in her direction, but knew I failed miserably when she looked concerned. “You okay?” she pushed the stroller a little closer to me. “See, little Freya wants to know if her Uncle Asher is okay?”
I nodded. “I will be fine.”
“Come on, we are going for a walk.” She told me.
“Eden, I am busy.” I told her.
“Doing?” she eyed me suspiciously, and rightly so, because I had been about to go for a walk to clear my head, seeing as Caleb had been back in the office today, apparently desperate for a break from the kids. Though from what I understood, Matty was spending the day fishing with his Grandpa.
“Fine, I was going for a walk.” I rolled my eyes at her, knowing she had already worked it out.
Chapter 93- Asher
“Well, I shall join you.” she told me. “Assuming you aren’t planning to shift?” I could so easily lie and tell her I was, but in truth Zion has buggered off since the dream and is refusing to speak to me. He is hurting more than he wants to let me know, I think. Which truly doesn’t help me in anyway…
“Whatever Eden, you are about to anyway, I assume.” I told her with a shrug.
She simply grinned. “Come on then, Mr Cheerful. You want to push?” she offered me the stroller, but I declined. We walked alongside one another in silence, but I could feel her eyes upon
me.
“Eden, if you need to ask something, will you just do it? Because you are making me uncomfortable by keeping looking at me like that.”
She chuckled. “Something is bothering you Ash. I would swear you looked ready to cry before. What has happened?” she urged me as we sat on the wall overlooking the pond at the far side of one of the many gardens in the pack.
“Shit.” I muttered, not really wanting to admit to anything.
“Well, why not tell me?” she asked, as she checked on her daughter.
“I will manage.” I shrugged.
“Looking at your face, and the mood you have been in of late, I would say not. Has something happened?” she asked yet again. “Are you struggling with things with Isla again?” she reached for my hand. She knew how much I struggled with the loss I felt from my mate dying, not to mention the guilt I battled too.
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I smiled sadly. “I guess you could say it is to do with that.”
“Oh Ash.” She leaned her head upon my arm. “Isla would hate that you are struggling, you know that. She also would never see you as to blame for what happened. That was not your fault. That was the rogues, and you know it was. Nobody knew that was going to happen. That could as easily have happened in her old pack before she came here.” She told me, and I know her words. They are familiar to me by now.
This is a conversation we have had so many times before. One of the reasons Eden and I get along so well, is she and Caleb were the ones there for me when I lost Isla, and they saw the effect it had upon me. They saw how damaged I was becoming, yet they never gave up on me.
“What if I am breaking Eden?” I whispered, and I felt her raising her gaze to look up at me.
“In what way, Ash?”
“I feel like I’m falling apart. Like things that I should know, or I feel like I do know, are all in doubt because it feels like my own mind is in doubt. Like I can’t trust my own thoughts. I can’t trust my own logic. Like I can’t trust my own mind. My mind is a mess, Eden. Things are slipping out of my control. I don’t like it.” I told her, trying to put into words how I was feeling, and I saw the fear upon her face.
“Your anger?” she questioned, but I shook my head. Strangely, this time it wasn’t my anger. That was still there simmering, of course. I doubted if that would ever go away. But my mind was overtaken with doubt of late. A doubt that I was struggling to trust my own judgment. It was making me question every little thought I had. Every decision I made. Whereas previously I was
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so sure of myself, now, I doubted each thought…
“My thoughts. My commitment. Loyalty. Devotion.” I found myself admitting, in spite of the shame it brought me to say it.
“That makes no sense, Ash. Who to?” Eden is stroking my hand softly. “You mean to Isla?” she questioned quietly.
I raised my eyes to meet her beautiful blue eyes. One thing that I know Caleb cannot resist about his mate. So unusual and rare, and truly beautiful, and something their children had inherited. I slowly nodded, tears filling my eyes.
“Oh Asher!” She reached up and stroked away a tear that had slipped down my cheek. “Your loyalty, devotion and commitment to Isla had never been in question, sweetheart, and it never will be. You have mourned for your mate for seven years. You searched for the rogue that killed her for a year after…” her voice faltered as she looked up at me.
I looked down, not wanting to think about that. Those hadn’t been my greatest moments. I wasn’t at my best, of that there was no denying. It was no wonder my pack feared me at times…
“But, why do you think it is in question? Has someone been on your mind?” she probed gently, no judgment in her tone, though I feel she likely knew the truth. She had seen herself how I had been around Bailey while she was the hospital.
“Eden, please, I do not want anyone to know about this.” I told her urgently, desperate that this is not shared. Gossip had of spreading around this pack like wildfire…
She smiled, the familiar kind smile of the woman who had become as much like family to me as her mate had. “I won’t say
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a word.”
“Not even to Caleb.” I warned her. “I am struggling with this enough Eden. My head is battered. I don’t need others knowing and asking me things I don’t even know the answer to myself.”
She nodded again. “Okay Ash, I won’t say a word. But, let me tell you this much, Isla would not see this as you betraying her, nor your matebond. Your love for her will always be there, Ash, but she wouldn’t want you being alone forever. You have been. alone for seven years. Do you not think that is enough? Seven years of suffering? Seven years of pain?” she softly squeezed my hand. “Isla would never want her Boo to be lonely, especially not forever, Ash.”
sat looking ahead listening to the words Eden was telling me and, as much as I couldn’t help but wonder if she may be right, it hurts to think like that. Hurts to think of moving on. Leaving my mate behind…
But I nodded to acknowledge her words. Smiling sadly across at her.
“Though I do have to say, Ash, if you are thinking there is
something there, or there could be, do you not think you should be a little better with her? A little kinder? Or else you might scare her away.” Eden says with a playful wink, telling me she is. teasing, but her words seem to heavily echo those of Zion, and that scares me a little…
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